When I first started doing triathlon, including OW swimming, everything else in my life was the best it had ever been. Then my marriage fell apart and I started getting sicker. I used to feel like I had everything in my life except my health, so when I was sick I would feel as though it was all being taken away from me. Sometimes I wondered, as things started going downhill, if it could possibly get any worse.
Now things are kind of the opposite: I had nothing I wanted, and so many tough lessons hit me, and so much bad luck just happened (all while I was sicker than I'd ever been), that I wondered if it could possibly get any better. In fact, I prayed every day for just a tiny bit of the betterness I used to know.
I'm pleased to say that, aside from my health, things are now better than they've been in ages, if ever. I'm on the verge of an exciting career change; I have an excellent education, I have a stable, dependable man in my life who's turned out to be an excellent influence and support system. After years of praying for a life where I could just "go to work and come home," my BA is done and I'm planning for my Master's. And, because of all I've been through, I refuse to let any bad luck or news take it away this time.
I used to have a theory that only people who were truly grateful for what they had received more, and that those who weren't truly grateful got it taken away.
I'll be honest: I wasn't nearly grateful enough.
I don't intend to make that mistake again.
So, while cancer is generally considered a negative, I'm sharing with you some of the random positive things it has taught me.
1. Patience. I used to have a REALLY hard time with this one. I wanted it all. Now. Delivered. And now I'm learning that there’s no use getting fired up about things because they usually work themselves out. Do what you can and relax. Sometimes, doing nothing and waiting a bit reveals more than getting fired up and demanding something immediately.
2. Priorities. These have been out of whack quite a few times. See patience. Conversely, if something is important (getting my full-body scan, for example) – sometimes you do need to get a little wound up, but don’t complain about it or worry about it. Just do everything you can. Like call the doctor two days in a row to schedule the appointment. Like tell work to f- off if you’re super-sick.
3. Karma. I used to waste time worrying about what other people were doing to piss me off. Now I've learned that energy is limited, so it's unwise to waste it on other people. They’ll get theirs. See:Ex Whose Name I Shan't Mention. I used to be jealous of his successes until he ended up with a crazy ass b’tch and he ended up having his own work problems, etc. without me. So everything didn’t magically work for him post-divorce anymore than it did for me.
4. Control. I have control issues. I want everything to fall into my neat little plans. Yet now I'm seeing that there is nothing – LITERALLY, NOTHING – that you can control except yourself, and sometimes you can’t even control that. See Karma.
5. Finally, as a combination of all the above: I used to get pissed about things that aren’t fair. If you look at my family, you would think me the last one to end up so sick. I eat good and work out. My blood pressure is low/normal, my cholesterol is borderline. I don’t smoke, I don’t drink a WHOLE lot, I wear sunscreen, I wear a bicycle helmet - and I still have cancer and all kinds of crap I couldn’t control. Some people, like my older brother, have frighteningly high blood pressure, high cholesterol, eat whatever doesn’t eat them first, drink way more than me, don’t exercise, don’t wear sunscreen, rarely wear any kind of helmet, and smoke – and don’t have shit wrong with them. It ain't fair, but that don't matter.
The diamond earring I lost? Not only did B help me find it, the other jewelry I lost appeared - buried in some of his paintball crap. I firmly believe we found it all because he never stopped believing for a minute that we'd find them.
On that note, I'm going to do some openwater swimming in the morning. I agreed with the B that I'd join him to watch him play paintball if he'd come watch me OW swim. I don't know if I still have the juevos to make it 1000m, but I know I can do at least half and turn around.
That's all I got for today.
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