Optimisim, You Say?

"Optimism? It's a mania for insisting everything is great when, really, we're all wretched." - Candide

Friday, July 2, 2010

Confession: I'm Not Scared Shitless

Today the ob/gyn called to tell me that my pap results came back abnormal. This means he needs to do further testing to determine the cause of the abnormality. There's a small chance the cells could be pre-cancerous - not a high chance that they're cancer already, because I visit him every year, and it's only been 15 months since my last visit to him when he tied my tubes in 2009 - but still.

At first, I was terrified. The last thing I need is MORE cancer. And I am waiting on my COBRA packet because I just elected that coverage yesterday, so who knows what health care costs and arrangement could even BE right now.

After about an hour of arranging things in the new office, searching jobs on indeed.com, and thinking about when to get to the pool or lift weights (it was raining cats and dogs this morning and moving wore me out), I realized. . . .

I'm really not scared.

I mean, suppose it is cancer. I have that already. That's (pardon the Butterfield reference) the familiar enemy. I know what it is, what it does, and how to handle it. I have kicked its ass once before, and I can kick its ass again. And I'm not dying from it . . . I'm living with it. There's a diffrence.

And if it's not cancer? It's just another fluke. Which I can also handle. In my life, abnormalities are normal.